I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
