Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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