what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
