forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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