I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You've changed since you got that strap on
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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