You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
