if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
