Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
This is my gift to your gina
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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