You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I want a musical about memes.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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