I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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