im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
You are a genius and a whore.
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