so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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