We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
The beer is more important than you right now.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
