My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
