The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
