Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
