How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
no, he came in my armpit
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
