It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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