I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
