I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
