You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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