i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
