As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
