Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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