1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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