Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
