you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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