found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
