If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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