Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
