I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
