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Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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