why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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