Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
