I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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