Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
