I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
