This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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