i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
