I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
