My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
