Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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