If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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