we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
