But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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