Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
