Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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