I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
