The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
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