Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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