1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
